Chapter 49 - Monk, The Moon, and a Message in the Crowd

After my UFO experience, I was buzzing with energy and ideas. I felt like I had stumbled upon something profound—something worth sharing. Fuelled by inspiration, I wrote down the story of my experience in detail. If people had actually read it, they might have seen how deeply it resonated with me and how much thought I had put into it. But the responses, or lack thereof, were disheartening. My story seemed to vanish into the void, met with indifference from those I shared it with.

One particular incident stood out during this time. There was a girl I used to work with named ‘Sarah’. She was incredibly sweet but had a bossy streak that could rub you the wrong way. While I was brainstorming ways to get my story out there, I got the idea to stand out to Capri Anderson. I thought if I could catch her attention, she might remember me and help deliver my story to Russell Brand. It was a bit of a long shot, sure, but I was determined.

To make an impression, I posted a public message that I hoped Capri would see. Sarah caught wind of it and took the opportunity to mock me at work. I wasn’t about to let her ridicule slide. I defended myself fiercely, pointing out that Capri was a real person I actually knew, not just some abstract idea. My reasoning? Well, my partner at the time had dreamt about Russell Brand, and the thought lingered in my mind. It felt like a sign, a cosmic nudge toward something larger.

I’ll admit, the whole situation was bizarre—a mix of heartfelt ambition, dream interpretation, and workplace drama. But that’s the way my life often seemed to play out: moments of serendipity tangled with skepticism from those around me.

Amazingly, Capri actually responded to my message. Whether she followed through and delivered it to Russell Brand, I’ll never truly know. But at that point, I decided to let the universe take over. If the message was meant to reach him, it would.

It felt like a strange twist of fate when I noticed Russell had begun performing small, local shows during his Trews era—a time when he was stirring the pot with controversial takes and thought-provoking commentary. Something about his shift in focus resonated with me, and before I knew it, I found myself regularly attending his events. “Stalking” might be a bit of an exaggeration, but I was definitely persistent in trying to figure out how to get my message to him.

Now, let me clarify something: I’m not the type to yell from the audience or make a big public scene. Shyness runs deep in my veins, so I needed a different approach. My plan was to get close to him, but without stepping too far out of my comfort zone. As luck would have it, Russell made that surprisingly easy. After his shows, he’d often linger, mingling with the audience. It didn’t take much to notice the pattern—he was presumably sticking around to pick up some skirt, as they say.

For me, his post-show routine was an opportunity. I wasn’t there to fanboy or fawn over him; I had a purpose, and I just needed the right moment. Week after week, I’d observe, trying to muster the courage and clarity to speak to him directly. It wasn’t easy, but the mix of hope, determination, and sheer awkwardness kept me coming back.

It all came down to one moment at work. Russell was doing another one of his small shows, and I decided it was time to finally put a copy of The Moon, a deeply personal ZetaTalk zine I’d made—directly into his hands. This wasn’t just an impulse; it felt like the culmination of everything I’d been working toward. There was just one problem: the show started at 5 PM, and it was a good 30 minutes away.

To make it, I’d have to leave work a little early. Now, I’d been at the company long enough to feel justified in granting myself this small favour. How often do you get to hand-deliver something to someone who might actually understand? So I made my decision and announced I’d be heading out before the end of the day.

That’s when Sarah found out. And, oh boy, it was like I’d declared war. Sarah, with her sweet-but-bossy demeanour, wasn’t having any of it. She acted like I’d committed some cardinal sin, and before I knew it, a full-blown office drama had erupted. To her, this was unacceptable—leaving early for something she couldn’t understand or see the value in.

But I wasn’t backing down. I stuck to my guns, calmly (or at least semi-calmly) explaining that this was something I had to do. No excuses, no backing out. The office could have its WW3 moment, but I was already mentally halfway to the venue.

When the clock hit my self-declared departure time, I grabbed my things and left. It felt a little rebellious, sure, but more than that, it felt right. This was my chance to connect with someone who might understand the bigger picture, someone who could take my story further than I ever could on my own.

After his gig, I stood in the crowd, watching Russell scan the room. His eyes darted across the faces, searching for something—or someone—and then they landed on me. For a split second, I froze. Did he recognise me? Before I could even process it, he started moving toward me, weaving through the audience with purpose. When we met in the middle of the room, he looked at me with that unmistakable Russell Brand intensity and said, "It's Monk, isn't it?"

I couldn’t believe it. Not only had he remembered me, but he’d clearly been reading my emails! That surreal moment hung in the air, validating every ounce of effort, every risk I’d taken to reach him.

From there, we drifted through the crowd together, heading toward the exit. My heart raced as we walked, knowing I had to make my move. By the time we reached the door, I felt the weight of The Moon in my hand—a tangible piece of my story, ready to cross into his world.

With one swift motion, I extended it to him. He took it without hesitation, like it was the most natural exchange in the world. And just like that, the door shut behind him.

For a moment, I stood there in disbelief. I’d done it. The Moon was in Russell Brand’s hands. Whether it would resonate with him, whether it would lead to something greater—I had no control over that. All I knew was that I’d seized the moment, and now it was up to the universe.

Maybe he read it on the train. Maybe he threw it in a bin. Either way, I gave it everything.


 

Dave Monk

  • Nationality: Welsh
  • Ethnicity: Caucasian
  • Eye Colour: Blue
  • Hair Colour: Brown
  • Tattoos: None
  • Star Sign: Aries
  • Bra Cup Size: n/a
  • Date of Birth: 46 ( 05 th Apr 1979 )
  • Weight: 60 kg

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Chapter 10 - Menage: A Story of Love, Loss, and Chosen Family

Growing up in a ménage à trois wasn’t just some outlandish experience; it was the foundation of my worldview. I didn’t see it as unusual. It was my norm, my reality. My mother’s love was abundant and multi-faceted, and her partners were as much a part of our family as anyone. There was no jealousy, no animosity, no hidden resentments. Just an open space of care and understanding. To me, it seemed like the perfect kind of family.

But when my non-biological father, the one who was the more traditional figure in my life, asked her to make a choice, it was like watching the house of cards fall. And when she chose him, it was a kind of heartbreaking affirmation that the world outside didn’t understand, or maybe even accept, the way we had lived.

I was 17 at the time—old enough to understand the emotional gravity of the situation but still young enough to feel betrayed by the change. In a way, my mom’s decision represented the same pull the world outside had over me: the world was dictating what was acceptable, and now I had to learn how to adjust to that.

Chapter 9 - Luck child

When I was young, someone once called me a “luck child.” I didn’t understand it at the time, and to be honest, I’m not sure I still fully do. It was one of those phrases that just stuck with me, like a little puzzle that I couldn’t quite solve. I often wondered if it was a compliment or something else entirely, but I couldn’t shake it.

As I grew older, the phrase kept circling in my mind, a strange kind of whisper that never quite faded. There were times when I felt like the universe had it out for me, but then there were these odd moments—random moments—where everything just fell into place. It wasn’t like I was living a charmed life or anything. There were struggles, plenty of them. But even in the midst of hardship, I seemed to find myself in situations that felt... well, a little too perfect.

Chapter 8 - A Sick Nod from the Universe

Music has always been the soundtrack to my life. From the moment I first pressed play on a cassette player, it was like opening a door to a whole new dimension. Growing up, Nirvana was the band for me—a raw, unapologetic voice that spoke to the angsty teenager I was. So, when my parents surprised me with tickets to see Nirvana on their upcoming April 12th show in Cardiff, I was ecstatic. I remember jumping around the room, disbelief and excitement colliding in a way only a teenager can feel.

But then, life, in its cruel and ironic way, decided to intervene. On my birthday—just days before the concert—I woke up to the news that Kurt Cobain took his own life. The tickets, once a symbol of my teenage dreams, became a bitter reminder of his tragic end. What were the odds? My birthday wasn’t just ruined; it felt tainted.

I chalked it up to an eerie coincidence. Until it happened again.

Chapter 7 - A Nightmare at Brynteg Avenue

At the time, Duke Nukem 3D was the game, a chaotic, over-the-top playground of action and humour. But for me, playing wasn’t enough—I wanted to create.

One day, the idea struck me: what if I turned my school into a map for Duke Nukem? I’ll admit, it was a bold and slightly mischievous idea, but the thought of navigating those familiar halls with explosions and alien mayhem was too tempting to pass up.

So, I set to work. Piece by piece, I painstakingly recreated the corridors, classrooms, and assembly halls of Brynteg Avenue with every detail I could remember. It wasn’t just a map—it was an immersive experience, a twisted reimagining of school life that turned ordinary routines into an action-packed nightmare. Hence, A Nightmare at Brynteg Avenue was born.

Chapter 6 - Hostile Hits the Halls

Before I knew it, Hostile Magazine was more than just a personal project. It became something bigger—a product. I started distributing copies around school, and before long, it wasn’t just my classmates reading it. I managed to sell advertising space to local businesses, earning a bit of cash in the process.

Looking back, it might have been my most lucrative venture to date, especially considering how naturally it all came together. I wasn’t just creating anymore—I was running a business, even if I didn’t fully realise it at the time.

One of my proudest moments was designing full-colour posters to promote the magazine. They featured a bold image of a gun and some edgy, provocative slogan. At the time, I thought it was clever—half-witty, half-menacing, exactly the kind of provocation Hostile was built on. But in hindsight, it felt careless.

Chapter 5 - Hostile Beginnings

By the time I was 15, everything changed—I had a computer. No more typewriters or scavenging old magazines for pictures. With a keyboard and the infinite possibilities of digital design at my fingertips, I was unstoppable.

That’s when I founded Hostile Magazine. The name wasn’t just a catchy title—it was a declaration of who I was at the time. I was hostile to the world around me, to the endless doubt and disbelief I’d faced growing up. Most of all, I was still furious that no one seemed to believe in aliens yet.

Hostile was my rebellion. It wasn’t just about aliens, though they made frequent appearances in my articles and artwork. It was a place where I could channel my anger, my creativity, and my growing discontent with a world that felt so small-minded.

Chapter 4 - God Mode Philosophy

When I was 15, I discovered something that would blow my creative obsession wide open: Quake. It wasn’t just a game; it was a canvas for chaos, and I had a paintbrush made of code.

I started messing around with the game, diving into its files and hacking it to bits. Before long, I’d customised everything—the characters, the levels, even the dialogue. My friends and I turned death matches into full-blown comedy routines, battling against avatars we’d created to represent ourselves, complete with all our ridiculous trademark sayings.

Imagine a grim, post-apocalyptic battlefield echoing with smack talk like, “Oi, pass me the ketchup!” or “You’re going down faster than last night’s curry!” It was absolutely hilarious. Every frag was met with roaring laughter, not just because someone lost but because the game would scream out some absurd catchphrase we’d forgotten we’d even programmed.

Chapter 3 - Beyond Addicted

I was hooked. The day after The Brackla Tattler launched, I decided I couldn’t stop there. Why wait for a competition when I could make my own newspaper? I got straight to work, fuelled by the rush of creating something from nothing.

This time, the front-page story was even bigger—or at least, it felt that way to me: “Riot at Strangeways Prison!” I was 11 years old, covering prison riots like a seasoned journalist.

Back then, I didn’t even have a computer. I was using my mum’s old typewriter for the text—each clack of the keys a declaration of my ambition. For the visuals, I raided stacks of old magazines, cutting out pictures and headlines to make elaborate collages. My bedroom floor became a sea of scraps, glue sticks, and ink-stained fingers.

I was beyond addicted. There was something magical about piecing it all together, watching a blank page transform into a story people could hold, read, and react to. The process consumed me in the best way.

Chapter 2 - Breaking News

By the time I was 11, I was part of a global competition to create a school newspaper. And thus, The Brackla Tattler was born—a journalistic masterpiece (or so we thought) with a name that suggested the kind of scandal and intrigue we were determined to uncover.

The inaugural issue had a front-page story so wild it could’ve been straight out of a crime thriller. The headline? “Body Parts Found in Bags Across City!”

It was gruesome, sensational, and absolutely perfect for the tone we were going for—true crime meets small-town gossip. I still remember writing it, trying to balance shock value with just enough professionalism to impress the judges.

Even though we were just kids with big dreams and bigger imaginations, that story gave The Brackla Tattler its identity. We weren’t afraid to tackle the dark stuff, even if we barely understood it ourselves.

Chapter 1 - The Alien Among Us

When I first woke up, I was in Bridgend, South Wales—a quiet, unassuming place where nothing out of the ordinary seemed to happen. But even as a kid, I was obsessed with two things: aliens and making magazines.

The alien obsession stemmed from my first truly traumatising memory. I was walking home from school one day with a friend, chatting about whatever kids chat about, when they casually dropped a bombshell: "Aliens are already on Earth, hiding in human bodies."

I swear on my life, I saw one shortly after that. I can still picture it—something inhuman beneath a very human façade. My stomach turned, my heart raced, and from that moment, the world didn’t feel safe anymore. I was terrified.

For months, I couldn’t sleep. Every shadow was suspicious, every sound proof of some otherworldly presence. But when I tried to tell people, nobody believed me. My classmates thought I was crazy. The more I insisted, the harder they laughed. Even my parents decided it was all in my head.

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