By 2014, life had felt like a whirlwind—moments of triumph mixed with setbacks that seemed almost impossible to navigate. And yet, on my birthday that year, I stumbled upon something that would profoundly impact my life: a woman named Dolores Cannon.

I’ll admit it—I’ve always had a knack for finding wisdom in unexpected places, especially from extraordinary older women. Dolores wasn’t just a curiosity—she was a revelation. Her work in Quantum Healing Hypnosis Technique (QHHT) opened a door to a world I hadn’t considered before, but that felt strangely familiar.

The morning of December 29th in Volgograd began like any other: the hum of early commuters, the rhythmic clatter of trains, and the crisp chill of winter in the air. My wife and I had planned to head to the railway station to buy our return tickets. It was supposed to be a simple errand. But true to form, I couldn’t peel myself off the mattress.

She had nudged me awake several times, frustration mounting with each attempt. "We need to go," she insisted, her tone a mix of urgency and exasperation.

She wasn’t just a friend—she was the first person who ever believed in Holodex. It started with a modest investment and a few early ideas, but even then, it felt like I had something real in my hands—something I was pushing toward with every bit of my energy. But as the project grew, so did the distance between me and the people I had once considered close.

Life doesn’t always unfold in the way we plan. After returning to the UK, broke and defeated, I found myself in an unexpected and challenging role that would ultimately play a pivotal part in rebuilding my career. I became an Eskimo. It was a digital agency with a quirky name that aged badly.

One of the most surreal and memorable experiences of my life was befriending Lexi Belle, a top-tier adult star with an enormous fan base. At the time, I had nothing tangible to offer her professionally, so I avoided bringing up business altogether. Instead, when she visited the UK for work, she spent an entire day with me, exploring the hidden gems of London. It was pure, unadulterated fun—an unexpected connection that left a lasting impression on me.

The echo of LA's neon buzz still flickered in my mind when the silence of failure finally set in. I had been living the dream, surrounded by icons, making connections, and building my vision. But dreams come with a cost, and the price was starting to catch up with me.

The money had run out. My pockets were empty, and my bank account was a cruel reminder that nothing lasts forever, especially not when you’re chasing something so ambitious and uncertain. I couldn’t keep the momentum going, and the pressure had finally broken me.

Dear Derek

Derek, it truly pains me to reflect on the way things unfolded between us. When I think back to our time together, it’s a confusing mix of emotions. You weren’t always the man who would betray me so deeply—at least, not on the surface. In fact, during the time we worked together, he could be incredibly generous.

As Holodex slowly began to take shape, it was clear the idea had potential—but potential doesn’t always pay the bills. Despite my best efforts, the page views weren’t high enough to generate significant income. Well, people just rarely pay for porn these days, so it was an uphill struggle. It felt like pushing a boulder uphill, and the weight of trying to make it all work was becoming harder to bear.

The day I walked into LA Direct and saw Louis Theroux standing in the spot I usually occupied, I nearly tripped over my own disbelief. There he was, in his unmistakable unassuming manner, quietly observing the chaos that surrounded Derek Hay’s world. Louis was clearly making one of his documentaries, likely delving into the controversial, fascinating lives connected to Derek's agency.

When you start out in business, you dream of the big moments—the ones that make you feel like you’ve truly made it. For me, one of those moments came when I found myself partying with none other than Capri Anderson. I mean, how could it get any better than that? Capri was an icon in the industry, and here I was, sharing a night with her. It felt surreal, like everything I had worked for, everything I had imagined, was suddenly coming to life right before my eyes. She was the most fun person I’ve met my entire life.

When you’re hungry to make your dream a reality, sometimes the road ahead involves choices that aren’t always comfortable. I had come to LA to make Holodex work, and when Derek extended the offer to work with his roster of girls, I knew this was the break I needed. At the time, it felt like a dream—access to the industry's best talent, to people whose names I had only seen on the covers of magazines. These were the stars of the adult entertainment world.

But, of course, it wasn’t without its compromises.

After we launched Holodex, the site gained traction faster than I’d ever anticipated. By the time we rolled out the second version, it was clear we were onto something special. This wasn’t just a functional update; it was a reinvention. The design, for its time, was nothing short of groundbreaking.

There are moments in life where you reach a crossroads, where you have to choose between staying comfortable or risking everything for something greater. For me, the decision was clear. I had poured everything I had into Holodex, but the rejection from the investor made one thing abundantly clear: If I wanted this to work, I had to take massive action.

Rejection can be a gut punch, especially when it comes from someone who holds the power to make your dreams a reality. But for me, that conversation with the investor didn’t knock me down—it sparked something deeper within me.

He was right, in a way. Holodex VR was way ahead of its time. The technology wasn’t there yet, and the market wasn’t ready to embrace it. But that didn’t mean it wasn’t going to happen. It just meant that I had to wait, grow, and work harder to get there.

As I poured my heart into Holodex, the vision grew larger than life. It wasn’t just about creating a website anymore—it was about reimagining the way people experienced adult content. Around that time, I had an idea that felt revolutionary: Holodex VR.