Chapter 59 - The Joke’s On Me

And spiral I did. It wasn’t just a stumble; it was a full-on nosedive into a chasm of despair. My thoughts turned darker and more irrational with each passing day. Somehow, in my mind, I managed to twist my personal failures into a catastrophic narrative: I hadn’t just let myself down, I hadn’t just let my loved ones down—I had let all of humanity down. Every mistake I’d made, every missed opportunity, every ounce of potential I’d squandered became magnified into a global tragedy, a weight I carried entirely on my own shoulders.
I was completely broke—broke broke, the kind of broke where even the simplest necessities felt like luxuries out of reach. I lived on tinned soup and stale crackers for weeks, too numb to cook. Friends and family? They were absent, or at least it felt that way. Maybe they didn’t know how to help, or maybe I was too proud to let them in. Either way, the isolation only deepened the pit I was sinking into.
My living situation wasn’t much better. My landlord was the dodgy type, the kind of person who didn’t want the hassle of tenants claiming benefits. Looking back, I should have pushed past his objections and done what I needed to do to survive. But by that point, I was so over everything—so worn out, so defeated—that I could barely muster the energy to fight for myself.
There’s a certain absurdity to suffering when it piles up like this. I couldn’t help but feel like the universe was in on some cosmic joke at my expense. My life, this spiraling mess, felt almost comical in its misery. It was as though I’d become the tragic protagonist of some dark satire, where every twist and turn was designed to see just how much I could endure before cracking.
And crack I did, in ways big and small, day by day. The spiral was relentless, dragging me further from hope and deeper into a sense of futility. Yet, even in the midst of all this, I couldn’t shake the faintest whisper of absurdity—the tiniest sense that maybe, just maybe, this wasn’t the end of the story.
As the spiral deepened, I found myself questioning everything. It wasn’t just the external circumstances, the lack of money or the absence of support—it was the internal storm that was most suffocating. I was lost, drifting aimlessly, with no compass to guide me. Every day felt like a repeat of the last: more isolation, more confusion, more feeling like I was stuck in some never-ending loop of mistakes and regret.
I didn’t know if I was waiting for a sign… or just the final blow. Either way, I knew the punchline hadn’t landed yet.